


I'm Down to Just One Thing

by deanislife



Category: Supernatural
Genre: "death", Grief/Mourning, M/M, Requited Unrequited Love, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 12:55:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5091530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanislife/pseuds/deanislife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is alone after Dean and Castiel have defeated Dick Roman. He has to face life without Dean again.<br/>Songfic inspired by "Something I Can Never Have" by Nine Inch Nails</p>
<p>Please let me know what you think!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Down to Just One Thing

Sam sat on the edge of his bed in yet another motel room, an empty bottle of Jack Daniels on its side at his feet. He didn't want to feel anything anymore. Dean was gone. Again. This time Sam was completely alone. No Dean, no Bobby, no Dad, not even Castiel. All of them were just gone. It didn't matter what he tried or where he looked, he couldn't figure out where Dean went. He and Castiel were just gone. When Dick's head exploded, they just went poof.

Sam felt like he was dying. Every minute of every hour he felt new pain ripping through him from deep down. How was he supposed to function like this? How was he supposed to continue without the only thing in his world that kept him going, without his reason for getting up every day?

As another wave of absolute despair washed over him, he slid onto the floor, kicking the empty bottle away from him. He knew he would regret drinking that much, but he wanted so badly to just not feel anything. He fell to his side on the floor and curled into himself. 

"What am I supposed to do?" He whispered. He let the sobs overtake him, and he cried himself to sleep right there on the floor.

****

Several hours later, Sam felt consciousness creeping up on him. His head was pounding and his stomach felt like it was inside out. He tried not to move, but he couldn't stay in that curled position for much longer. His legs needed to move. He slowly unwound himself and sat up. After the room stopped spinning quite so much, he lifted himself onto the bed and laid back down again. This time on his back. As he stared at the ceiling through bleary eyes, his head pounded to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

"Time for the torture to begin again." He said softly. He lifted his arm and reached for his iPod on the bedside table. He knew this only made it worse, but he couldn't seem to help himself. It was a sort of catharsis to feel all of the pain at once. He placed his earbuds in and hit play.

As the music started, he felt the memories flood through him and the tears fill his eyes.

_I still recall the taste of your tears_  
_Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears._  
_My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore._  
_Scraping through my head 'til I don't want to sleep anymore._

"Dean!" Sam sobbed. "Why does this just keep happening? What can't you just stay with me? Take care of me? Love me? Why do you keep getting taken from me?"

He remembered the first time they were apart. Sam had left Dean. Sam thought that would be the best thing for both of them. He wanted Dean to have a chance without the clinging little brother strapped to his side constantly. By giving Dean a chance, he hoped he would make something better happen for Dean. But Dean didn't understand that. Dean thought that Sam hated him and didn't want anything to do with him anymore. That was the furthest thing from Sam's mind. 

Stanford was actually an excuse for Sam to try and break his addiction to Dean. He felt that "cold turkey" would be the best approach. If he cut himself off from Dean, he might have a better chance of standing on his own. He tried to emphasize the fact that he wanted "safe", but Dean never heard that. He only heard "normal". Sam wanted Dean to be safe from him. Safe from Sam. If he stayed, he wouldn't be able to fight off that addiction much longer. He would open his mouth and let the truth slip out. There would be no going back from that.

So he left for Stanford. Time away helped. Jess helped. Studying something new and different helped. But the addiction didn't go away. As soon as Dean was back in his life, the addiction was back and so much worse. Much more intense. He covered himself in anger and grief after Jess's death. He cloaked his need behind a need to find Dad. He tried again to leave Dean, but nothing worked. He just kept returning to the one thing he had.

_You make this all go away._  
_You make this all go away._  
_I'm down to just one thing._  
_And I'm starting to scare myself._

Sam tried to convince himself that it was just a pull towards family and safety, but deep down he knew what it really was. He knew that he wanted something he shouldn't want and couldn't have. He kept trying to keep some sort of distance between them.

Dean wouldn't let him. He kept talking about being a family, about supporting those you love. He was so damn persistent about what family was supposed to mean. They were all they had left. They were a team. It was them against the world. All of those thoughts and feelings were like knives to Sam because he knew he wanted all of that and more. He wanted all of Dean.

_You make this all go away._  
_You make this all go away._  
_I just want something._  
_I just want something I can never have._

Then Dean had introduced Sam to Cassie. A woman that Dean was in love with. Sam was crushed. More from the fact that there was a period of Dean's life that he knew nothing about. And it was his own doing. Dean was on his own during that time because of Sam's desertion. The worst part was that this was what Sam had hoped for, but it turned to crap for Dean just like it did for Sam.

Then all of the bullshit with Dad and Yellow Eyes. Sam was fighting with everything he had to keep away from Dean, but it was getting so much harder all of the time. He was always there. Just like when they were kids and Dean was the one who took care of him. It was Dean who fed him, tucked him in, made sure he had clothes and stayed clean and healthy. It was Dean who took care of him when he was sick. Dean who made sure he got his homework done. Dean kept him safe and made sure he knew he was loved. 

Dean was the one who taught Sam all of the necessary tasks in life. He taught Sam how to tie his shoes, how to ride a bike, how to pick a lock, how to clean a gun. Everything he would need to be successful. Unfortunately, it also fell to Dean to explain the facts of life to Sam. Dad was away when the questions started. Dean had no choice but to answer them the best way he could. By the time Sam was interested in sex, Dean was fairly experienced so the subject matter was easy for him to handle. It was still awkward for both of them though. 

Sam had to smile at the memories of Dean trying to explain how things fit together. And the memory of Dean's demonstration of how to use a condom always made Sam laugh, even when he felt like he would never be able to breathe again. Dean even gave Sam fairly straightforward and open-minded answers to all of Sam's questions about homosexuality and how you knew if you were gay or not. The information Dad had given Dean mixed with what Dean had put together on his own, and it was extremely helpful to Sam's inquisitive mind and developing body. The fact that Sam had a healthy attitude toward sex was all Dean's doing. Dean knew how to treat women. Even though he came across as a womanizing jackass sometimes, Dean was always giving and kind when it came to any woman he spent time with. For Dean, sex was supposed to be fun and a positive experience for both partners, and he made sure that Sam knew this. Sam's own experiences with sex had been positive and healthy because of Dean's tutelage. 

There was just one thing that Dean couldn't help with because Dean didn't know about it. Sam loved Dean. And now Dean was gone. Sam's heart was ripped from his chest again, and he was left bleeding with nowhere to turn.

_You always were the one to show me how_  
_Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now._  
_This thing is slowly taking me apart._  
_Gray would be the color if I had a heart._

Sam felt the need to move again. He made his way slowly to the bathroom to try to get himself put back together. It was time to get as far away from this town and this motel room as he could possibly get. Moving carefully, he gathered his belongings and made his way outside to face the day and Dean's most prized possession. How was he going to be able to drive her again after losing Dean for possibly the final time? Sam wasn't sure if he was going to survive it this time.

Gabriel's evil tricks had ripped his heart out too. Watching Dean die over and over again during the Mystery Spot fiasco had been so draining and so awful. Then to be alone during those months after that fatal Wednesday! Sam's thoughts returned to that afternoon in the parking lot. Sam had believed he had Dean back for good and then that man had shot him in cold blood. He was left, once again, holding Dean's lifeless body. The pain in that moment had been horrific. Losing Dean was awful, but losing him to something so random, having him die over a few dollars in a parking lot! Sam was devastated!

Then the hellhounds had taken Dean. That time, he at least had Bobby there to help him. Then Ruby and all of her manipulations. God! He had been so stupid! Why did he ever listen to her? Why did he feel that she was better for him than Dean? Maybe because he was still fighting that addiction and needed to get away. He already felt dirty and tainted without needing to fight against those feelings for Dean. Who knows?

All Sam knew at that moment was the devastating pain of never being able to see Dean's face again. Never to be able to look into those eyes and see everything Dean was. 

He hit the steering wheel, wiped his eyes, and took off.

_Come on tell me_

_You make this all go away._  
_You make this all go away._  
_I'm down to just one thing._  
_And I'm starting to scare myself._  
_You make this all go away._  
_You make this all go away._  
_I just want something._  
_I just want something I can never have._

*****

Bleary-eyed and helpless, Sam stood inside the grounds of Singer's Salvage. This isn't where he was headed, but this is where he ended up. The only place he had been able to call a home of any sort. "Well, other than Baby," he admitted to himself. He leaned back onto Baby's warm exterior and just looked around. Nothing had changed, but everything was different. He felt hollowed out and so weary. It was as if he could just lay down and cease to exist if he just allowed himself to do it.

Pain was everywhere, in every thought, in every breath. No matter what he did, he couldn't find a break, a lead. He was just going to have to face the fact that Dean was gone this time. Really gone. There was no way he was going to get him back. 

"What do I have left here, Dean?" Sam asked no one. He walked away from the Impala and found a bench seat from some broken down car he could sit on. "And I can't even put myself out of my misery because I don't know where I'll end up. I've been to heaven. With you. I've spent time in hell. I've done things that could possibly take me to either place. God brought us back time after time, but I don't think he's interested anymore. I can't find you here, and I don't know how to find you wherever you are. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I want to give up because I'm falling apart without you. I need help, Dean! I need you!"

_In this place it seems like such a shame._  
_Though it all looks different now,_  
_I know it's still the same._  
_Everywhere I look you're all I see._  
_Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be._

_Come on tell me_

Sam covered his face in his hands and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. He heard a vehicle pull in behind him, but didn't bother to look. Whoever it was could kill him or cure him for all he cared. He just didn't want to think or act anymore.

"Hey, Sam!" Jodi Mills said softly from behind him. "I was wondering if you were going to make it back here. I've been looking for you for weeks. Ever since you called and told me what happened. What can I do?"

Jodi gasped as Sam looked up and met her eyes. She moved forward briskly and wrapped her arms around him. She squeezed him as hard as she could, hoping that by sheer force of will she could hold him together. He was breaking right in front of her. 

"I can't do it anymore, Jodi!" Sam sobbed. "I can't keep going! It doesn't make sense, and I can't... I can't... Breathe!"

"Shhh! Sam!" Jodi responded fighting back her own tears. "I'm here! I'm here for you!"

She rubbed his back gently with both hands. She remembered how strong and caring Sam had been for her when her son and husband had been lost. She wanted to offer the same strength for Sam. She just didn't know what to do. She held on and let him cry, her own heart breaking with his hitching breaths.

"Jodi!" Sam cried out. "I can't live without him! I can't do it! I don't know how to exist without him! I don't know how!"

"Sam! Honey! I know!" Jodi whispered. "I know! Just let it go, Sam! Get it out! I'm right here, and I'm not leaving you. I'm here for you!"

"Dean!" Sam yelled. "Dean!"

_You make this all go away._  
_You make this all go away._  
_I'm down to just one thing._  
_And I'm starting to scare myself._

Jodi continued to hold Sam and gave him a safe space to mourn. She rocked him gently as his cries subsided. She held his head tightly to her shoulder to keep him from falling over. She made soothing sounds and gentle hand motions to keep him grounded. She felt the pain he had and tried everything in her power to ease it away.

When his sobs gentled and then stopped, Jodi kept holding on. Sam's head turned until his cheek was resting on her upper chest, nose against her neck. It reminded her of her own son when he would snuggle up to her before going to bed. She stroked Sam's hair gently and rubbed the shoulder that she could reach with her other hand. 

"Sam," she started when he was quiet for a few minutes. "I'd like for you to come and stay with me for a while. Let me help you, please."

"I don't know." Sam sniffled. "I don't want to be a burden. I'm really not very good company. I'm a mess, y'know."

"I know." She answered. "That's why I want to help. I care about you, Sam. I want to take care of you for a bit. Just until you get yourself put back together again."

Sam huffed a laugh and shook his head. "That might not ever happen. I don't know what I'm doing. Jodi, what am I going to do?"

She felt his tears start up again, and she just held on.

"Just let me help, Sam. Please?" She stood up and helped Sam to stand. "Leave your car here, ride with me. I'll bring you back later to get it. In the meantime, just let me help you. We'll talk. About anything you want! I can't leave you here like this. I want to help you."

"Okay." Sam reluctantly agreed. He let Jodi lead him to her car. After climbing inside, he remembered that he needed his bag from his car. Lacking any ability or strength to move, he gave the sheriff his keys and asked her to grab it. Once that was taken care of they moved off down the road.

*****

After getting settled in at Jodi's and grabbing a shower, Sam found himself sitting at her kitchen table in her new house. After everything that had happened at her old house, she knew she couldn't live there anymore. She now had a smaller two bedroom house that suited her current lifestyle. It was warmly decorated and felt natural and comfortable to Sam. It was just like the sheriff. No nonsense, but warm and gentle.

"How about something to eat?" Jodi asked.

"I don't want you to go to any trouble." Sam replied. "I don't know how much I'll be able to eat. I haven't been doing very well about food."

"I noticed." Jodi responded. "You've lost some weight."

"Have I? I... didn't notice. I don't..."

"I know, Sam. Don't worry about it." Jodi reached out and patted his hand. "You've felt alone and broken. Nothing makes sense and you don't know what to do about it. You'd rather drink and pass out than take care of yourself and have to think. I get it."

Sam nodded as he looked up and found Jodi's eyes. He could see the understanding and pain there. 

"I'm really not going out of my way here. Hamburger Helper is about all I've got and it only takes a few minutes. I was going to make it for myself anyway." She laughed then. "It's all about quick and simple. Something to fill the hole. Oh! And I have a salad in the fridge if you want that with it."

"That sounds good, Jodi. Thanks!" Sam stood. "What can I do to help?"

"Nothing right now. Sit down." Jodi answered. "Just let me do this. We can talk if you want."

"I don't know what to say." Sam answered. "I can't even think straight."

"First, let me tell you how incredibly sorry I am. I know that doesn't do much to get you through it, but I wanted you to know."

"Thank you. It helps." Sam replied. "I've felt so alone and lost. Just knowing that you care helps."

Jodi nodded and got started on the food. She allowed Sam the space to say something if he wanted, but to just sit quietly if that was what he needed. She wasn't surprised when he started to speak.

"I need to say something out loud, Jodi." Sam stated. He sighed loudly and looked down at the table. "I need to say it out loud just once so someone can hear me. Then I promise I won't bring it up again if it bothers you."

Jodi turned away from what she was doing and looked at Sam. When he didn't say anything, she nodded, never breaking eye contact. "Go ahead."

"I'm not sure what you're going to think about me after I say this, but I don't care right now. I need to say this, and I trust you. I trust you to not share this with anyone else." Sam kept that eye contact until he saw Jodi nod her head slightly in encouragement. He looked at the ceiling briefly, then brought his eyes directly back to her. He then sighed quietly, and he began to speak. "I'm in love with Dean. And I have been for years. I've never told anyone about it, not even him. And now that he is gone, I can't function. He was, still is, my everything. He is my best friend, my brother, my partner, the only real family I've ever had, my soul mate, and my one true thing. The person I would and have killed for. The person I would and have died for. And he's gone. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it."

Sam lowered his eyes to the table again. His hands were balled up in front of him, full of tension. Jodi moved forward, then placed her hand on top of his. After giving his hands a gentle squeeze, she said, "I know that, Sam. So did Bobby. We knew how you felt about each other."

Sam looked up again with fear in his eyes. Jodi reached up to his face and gently placed her hand on his jaw.

"It was easy to see, Sam." She said softly. "I'm just surprised you two couldn't see it in each other."

"What are you saying to me?" Sam gasped. "I don't understand. What are you saying?"

Jodi knelt at Sam's side and placed a hand on Sam's thigh. She shook her head slightly, knowing this was going to be hard.

"Dean was in love with you, too." She stated plainly.

"What?" Sam cried out. "No!" Panic set in. "No way! If he was, and I didn't say... We wasted... so much time! I... could have held him? I could have... loved him? No!"

"Sam!" Jodi called out. "Sam, he did. He loved you too. You have to accept that. I know it doesn't make this any better or easier, but it is the truth! You were his world! Nothing, no one meant more to him than you did."

"Oh God!" Sam moaned, tears running heavily down his face. "How do I live with that?"

"Sam, I'm sorry!" Jodi answered. "Maybe I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, no, no!" Sam moaned, shaking his head. "We could have had so much more, but I was so stupid. I didn't say anything. Why didn't I say anything?"

"Dean didn't say anything either." Jodi stated matter-of-factly. "You both were apparently doing what you have always done. You each were protecting the other. You've done it your whole lives from what I understand. Why would this be anything different?"

"I don't know! I don't know!" Sam moaned. Tears continuing to fall down his face again. "What am I supposed to do? What do I do?"

"I don't know, sweetheart." Jodi replied. "I guess you keep getting up in the morning, you keep putting one foot in front of the other. You hold on to the good memories and try to forget the bad. You hold on to the fact that you had a great love in this world, someone who was dedicated to you. And he gave himself so that you could live. You keep that in here." She placed her hand on Sam's chest. "And you live for him."

"Dean!" Sam said softly. "I love you, Dean!"

_You make this all go away._  
_You make this all go away._  
_I just want something._  
_I just want something I can never have._

Jodi stood up and hugged Sam again. She then moved away to get back to dinner and allow Sam a chance to pull himself together. She knew how difficult this would be for Sam, but she was determined to get him through it. Sam had to be okay. Jodi would make it happen. And life must keep moving. 

_I just want something I can never have._


End file.
